I feel like I was d, my boyfriends for 3 years can't get over it and it's affected our relationship.?

it's hard for me to talk about. I went to go see a counselor and they said I was playing Possum but it's not considerate legally as . But it feels like it. I can't get over it. I feel disgusted with my body and myself. I tried to make it all clear to him before it happened and I told him I was devoted to my boyfriend and I am mormon and I can't have and that I was going to be married to my boyfriend who at the time was on his mission. But when the time came to act I froze inside. My body and my mind- everything was moving and I was talking and acting like everything was okay. Inside my head I was screaming and all these negative thoughts poured in telling me this is what I deserved. That I was never meant to be happy...and I gave in. I cried and was shaking the whole night through. I left my boyfriend thinking he'd never forgive me after it happened. I cried night and day for 3 months straight and now it's just ever so often- and it's been a year and a half since it happened. And praying and telling myself that all was not lost- that my boyfriend and I could still be together was the only thing that kept from slitting my throat. Now he's not the same as he use to be and he admits that his love for me is tainted and full of doubt since what happened. But I promise that I know that he's my love. he's the one. And I can't go on. I feel like I've ruined the most important thing I have in this life. I wanted him to be the father of my children. There's a quote from a wife who got married at a temple and the husband said: I see all those who went before us and she was asked what she saw and with tears streaming down her face she cried: I see all those who will go after us...I love this man. I love him. God, help me!